Caution: Instability Ahead

I’m afraid to write this. But I think that’s why I need to.

At this time last year when the azaleas were blooming and the days were getting a bit longer I didn’t notice. I could not stop crying. I could not eat. I could not sleep at night but I also couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I fantasized about going to sleep and not waking up. When I was really desperate I thought about driving my car at top speed off the freeway and into the river. I seriously could not get the song Crazy Train out of my head,

“Mental wounds not healing, life’s a bitter shame, I’m going off the rails on a crazy train…”

My work suffered, my family suffered helplessly watching me slip away. “Mommy don’t be sad. Mommy cry?” my sweet daughter in her limited vocabulary was trying to find the words to understand:

Oliva 2

On her 2nd birthday I finally fell apart. My dear husband could not watch any longer and gave me the encouragement I needed to make a phone call and ask for help.

Why am I writing about this? I guess it’s been on my mind because my daughter’s birthday is coming up. Last year instead of planning a birthday party I was making arrangements to attend an intensive outpatient program, doctor’s orders.

The azaleas are in bloom again. The days are getting a bit longer. And this time I’m happy to be around to notice.

I wrote a little bit more about this experience here if you’re interested: Rogue Waves.

For more about how you can help yourself or a loved one here’s an online resource: Support Alliance.

  One thought on “Caution: Instability Ahead

  1. marthakeimstlouis
    March 7, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Reblogged this on Marthakeimstlouis’s Blog and commented:
    worth a read

    Like

    • March 7, 2014 at 1:18 pm

      Thank you so much! I appreciate the reblog.

      Like

  2. March 7, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Your story touched me … I am glad that you can perceive the scent of azaleas today. Congratulations on your birthday for your daughter. I wish you all the best.
    Greetings from Vera

    Like

    • March 7, 2014 at 1:19 pm

      Thank you so much for stopping by and pausing to comment. This was hard to write. But I’m glad I got it out.

      Like

      • March 7, 2014 at 2:57 pm

        Yes, I believe you immediately that it was not easy to tell. But now maybe you is a little easier heart. That would be nice.
        Good night and sleep well, Sandra.
        Best wishes from Vera

        Like

  3. March 7, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Sandra, about 30 years ago, I went through the same thing. My baby was 3 years old. Back in those days doctors prescribed pills that made you sleep, how could I sleep with a little one to watch. To make a long story short, I overcame all the darkness in me, but it was a terrible time. I still have times when I feel sad, but I make myself to get busy with something. Stay strong and know that your family loves you!

    Like

    • March 7, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      Thank you so much for sharing your experience with this too. It is so comforting to be reminded that I am not alone.

      Like

  4. March 7, 2014 at 7:56 am

    Thanks for sharing this extremely personal struggle with us. It was so courageous of you! I’m so glad you’re in a better, healthier place now and are able to enjoy life again. Happy Birthday to your little one too : ) Hugs!

    Like

    • March 7, 2014 at 1:24 pm

      Thank you so much for reading! This one was hard on the eyes I’m sure. Glad to have it out in the open though. Maybe I can put it away for now and stop thinking about where I was this time last year. I really appreciate your encouragement.

      Like

  5. March 7, 2014 at 8:40 am

    I am glad you took care of yourself and fought back to appreciate the fine little things in life, Sandra. Congratulations.

    Like

    • March 7, 2014 at 1:29 pm

      Thanks so much Mark, this one was hard to write so I’m sure it was hard to read as well. But I appreciate that you stuck it out and even commented. I think if I can just get through April I will feel that much better about the distance between now and where I was a year ago. I’m going to try to keep my eyes straight ahead and stop dwelling on the rearview mirror. Thanks for the encouragement!

      Like

  6. March 7, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    so cute ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  7. March 8, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    You’ve come so far and will continue to inspire others ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

    • March 8, 2014 at 5:47 pm

      Thank you so much Alex. That’s comforting to hear.

      Like

  8. March 8, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    May the force be with you. If not, beat its ass!

    Like

    • March 8, 2014 at 6:52 pm

      I like that attitude! Thanks for the tip! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

  9. March 10, 2014 at 7:03 am

    It’s never easy to admit times like this, but you are brave in doing it. I love that you ended on such a positive and that this year is better for you. I hope it only continues its way up.

    Like

    • March 10, 2014 at 4:25 pm

      Thanks so much Laura! I hope so too. I’m glad we’re blog pals.

      Like

  10. March 10, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Anniversaries can dredge up hard memories, but they also allow us to reflect on how far we’ve come. I’m glad you’re here to admire the azaleas. And your sharing might make someone else feel less alone and desperateโ€”that’s a true gift.

    Like

    • March 10, 2014 at 11:02 am

      Thanks Catherine. I’m trying to reframe my thinking but it is harder than I imagined to put into practice. You’re so right about this being a lonely place. I was worried about over sharing and quibbled a lot. But ultimately I’m glad I hit publish. Thanks so much for the encouragement.

      Like

      • March 10, 2014 at 11:39 am

        I worry about oversharing, too, and hesitated to write my posts about having so much trouble breastfeeding. But the responses, encouragement and notes from so many people validated my decision to write. I think that when we’re honest and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, people notice and appreciate that. There’s so much fakery on the internet, it’s refreshing to come across something real.

        Like

      • March 10, 2014 at 2:33 pm

        I feel that way too. I appreciate authenticity. Thank you for sharing!

        Like

  11. March 20, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    How sad. Lets hope this year you can enjoy the Azaleas and your beautiful little daughters Birthday ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

    • March 21, 2014 at 2:21 am

      Thank you so much. I do appreciate your kindness!

      Like

  12. March 20, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    BTW My Daughter in law is going through a desperate time too after having her second little girl about six months ago.

    Like

    • March 21, 2014 at 2:25 am

      I hope her dr recognizes her condition. It’s treatable. Best wishes.

      Like

      • March 21, 2014 at 11:29 am

        Yes thank you, they are working together ๐Ÿ™‚

        Like

  13. April 5, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    Depression chronic severe most of my life. The meds help but also having insight that it is a chemical imbalance and not “real” helps get through it. Key is to force yourself not to be immobilized which validates self confidence. Thanks visit my blog.

    Like

    • April 5, 2014 at 7:07 pm

      Hi Carl, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I know you are right but in the thick of an episode I find it so hard to do the right things like connecting with others, talking to my dr, at worst getting out of bed can require more energy than I can muster. I’m learning but it’s taken baby steps. Connecting here with others helps me remember I’m not alone. Take good care! I’m glad I found your blog.

      Like

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