I’m afraid to write this. But I think that’s why I need to.
At this time last year when the azaleas were blooming and the days were getting a bit longer I didn’t notice. I could not stop crying. I could not eat. I could not sleep at night but I also couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I fantasized about going to sleep and not waking up. When I was really desperate I thought about driving my car at top speed off the freeway and into the river. I seriously could not get the song Crazy Train out of my head,
“Mental wounds not healing, life’s a bitter shame, I’m going off the rails on a crazy train…”
My work suffered, my family suffered helplessly watching me slip away. “Mommy don’t be sad. Mommy cry?” my sweet daughter in her limited vocabulary was trying to find the words to understand:
On her 2nd birthday I finally fell apart. My dear husband could not watch any longer and gave me the encouragement I needed to make a phone call and ask for help.
Why am I writing about this? I guess it’s been on my mind because my daughter’s birthday is coming up. Last year instead of planning a birthday party I was making arrangements to attend an intensive outpatient program, doctor’s orders.
The azaleas are in bloom again. The days are getting a bit longer. And this time I’m happy to be around to notice.
I wrote a little bit more about this experience here if you’re interested: Rogue Waves.
For more about how you can help yourself or a loved one here’s an online resource: Support Alliance.